More Questions than Answers

The other day I was talking to Melissa about how I was eager to get back to California and start my future. I felt as though Japan was putting the rest of my life on hold and that I wasn’t making any progress towards my future goals by taking a year off from school. I’ve always had a timeline of nani benchmark that I wanted to attain at nan-toka time. But why? I spend so much time scheduling, planning, saving, and worrying about the future that I don’t have time to cherish my present. There is a quote “the present is a gift, and I just want to be” that never really made sense to me, but is starting to become very relevant. I mean, after all, if you aren’t moving forward and making progress, then what are you doing? Becoming stagnant and therefore being left behind? In the future I’ll have the career I’ve always wanted, wonderful husband, kids that behave, a huge house, 5 dogs, and a picket fence… but the more I think about it, the less-great it seems.

It seems like people are trying their hardest everyday to fit into a routine. When the alarm sounds they wake up @ the same time each day, eat the same bowl of cereal, drive the same way because they have found the quickest route, work all day and drive home the same way, etc. and so on 5 days a week, 52 weeks a year. My life will finally be less chaotic and can run more smoothly, but what next? And why am I looking forward to this mundane lifestyle full of monotony and structure?

I need to go places, see new things, experience all-kinds-a craziness so I have something to think about. People are stuck living this life because that's what's expected or that’s what they THINK they want. Most people may want the “American dream:” house, family and job but its only because people need consistency in their lives to make them feel as if they have some control and are able to cope. They don't like changes because they've just learned how to deal with everything in front of them. Construction signs on the way too work are not only telling us that we have to slow down but we may need to take a detour...people fear the unknown. Since the detour is not the straightest route, we see it as unprogressive and we become stressed out with the unknown of where we will end up when we pop out on the other side.

I need excitement to make me feel alive. I need my adrenaline to rush. I want my mind going in so many directions that I can't get the words out of my mouth fast enough. I don't want my excitement to come from a book or T.V show where I can live vicariously through someone else’s adventures. I don't want to only feel alive once a year for a week in Vegas. I refuse to live the middle class soccer mom life so many are looking forward to. Why do so many settle for this mediocre lifetsyle? Do we reach a point that we've searched for something more for so long and come up empty handed so many times that we decide to settle and accept what we can get? We run out and meet a decent guy who treats us ok and get married. Marriage gets dull so get pregnant and have kids to liven up our lives and then the kids aren’t all their cracked up to be, so go out and have an affair or buy a motorcycle or go bungee jumping, all to deal with our mid-life crisis.

I don't want a smooth running mediocre life. I want to have a hard time sleeping in because I'm so excited for the day. I want to go to bed and not worry about rolling over on someone else or not being able to sleep because of their incessant snoring. I want to be with someone who I look at in the eyes and I can't help but bite my lip. I don't want to scrub stains off my carpet from kids or change dirty diapers. I want to walk around my house in my underwear all day and night, eat ice cream out of the container and drink milk out of the carton. I want to travel the world in search of the country that can truly claim they have the “World’s Greatest Doughnut” and not worry that my kids have school, band practice, track meets and homework.

BUT then there's still that small part of me that wants to fall in love, get married on the beach of some secluded island, have the perfect house on a strawberry farm, 2 boys 2 girls, wear a suit to work, and watch Oprah. But I don't believe the love will last, the job will get boring and repetitive, the kids will exhaust my time, money and patience, and one day I’ll stop, look at my life and wonder where my youth went...I guess I'm your typical 21 year old (soon to be 22)...finding myself…equipped with tons of questions and not so many answers.